Save tonight.

I'm leaving literally the same way I came.

Robbie and I went to London yesterday, wandered around the Victoria and Albert Museum, found ourselves saying goodbye to Big Ben and ended up in Portobello Market. Goodbye London. Hello Atlanta.

I can't believe it's been 4 months since I first arrived in London to begin this grand adventure. And I can't stress enough what an adventure it has been. I'm sure whoever has been reading this feels like they have been reading the same entry over and over again, particularly the past few weeks--it seems like all I talk about is how amazing this place has been. But, in all honestly, this has been the best time of my life. And that's why it's so hard for me to leave tomorrow, so hard for me to say goodbye to it all. In so many ways, it's still like a dream, and I guess I just have to wake up tomorrow. But, also, it really has become my life and my reality, and it's hard to just pick up and leave.

Today Kels and I made our last trip down to City Centre, not sure why we were even going, especially since we had a list of things to do and were both depressed after saying goodbye to Jack. But we went anyways, and as we got off the 31, she told me that she never thought this day full of laughing and reminiscing and crying would come. And I told her that it isn't that I didn't think I wouldn't have a reason to be sad today. It's that I honestly thought today would NEVER come. I've gotten to where I really cannot envision myself anywhere but here. And I know how upset that makes other people. In truth, it makes me really upset as well. I feel like maybe I've been doing something wrong, if it was so easy for me to leave home, leave KU, leave everything, to come here, and, yet, when I have to go back, I absolutely cannot leave. Bob said that we are feeling this way because there's a chance that we may never see these people again, and that's definitely true. But I also feel like I will never see this life again, this beautiful, amazing, wonderful life I've lived and loved so dearly. I feel like when I leave here tomorrow, I'm leaving it all behind. And I'm so scared. I am absolutely terrified.

I know when I get home I'll be happy to be with everyone, and my summer in Lawrence will be absolutely beautiful. In fact, it may even be the best summer of my life. But I will NEVER live this life again. I will never be here, fully here, with all of these people, singing all of these songs, dancing, running around, waking others up at all hours of the night, crying because I have to say goodbye. I will never be here again.

So if you see me in the next few days and ask me if I'm happy to be home, please don't be offended if I tell you no. The truth is, I am just not ready to face my fears and accept that I can be the new me anywhere else. Someday I will be able to do it. But not yet. Not yet.


Tonight, I am going to dance my ass off, sing with the loves of my life, remember my first night here, fall in love all over again, and lock every memory in my heart to keep it forever.

I plan on saving tonight forever.