No one can really understand

Here is a conversation between Katherine and me tonight:

kath889 (2:21:08 AM): hola
ImLOVINit21 (2:21:55 AM): hiya love
ImLOVINit21 (2:22:10 AM): I am about to go to sleepy town, but I can talk for a bit
kath889 (2:24:17 AM): oki doki... so im home now
ImLOVINit21 (2:24:42 AM): ahhhh, that's insane
ImLOVINit21 (2:24:53 AM): I can't even IMAGINE being home right now
ImLOVINit21 (2:24:57 AM): It's all so sureall to me
kath889 (2:25:21 AM): its kinda weird but definitely nice
ImLOVINit21 (2:25:51 AM): yeah, and you leave for Texasssssssss soon
kath889 (2:25:59 AM): yep three weeks
ImLOVINit21 (2:25:59 AM): about as soon as I leave for Kansasssssss
kath889 (2:26:21 AM): are you excited to come home
ImLOVINit21 (2:26:35 AM): Hmmm, not really
ImLOVINit21 (2:26:51 AM): I really don't want to leave
ImLOVINit21 (2:27:09 AM): Like, I am excited to see everybody, but I really don't want to leave in order to see them
kath889 (2:27:27 AM): yeah we should all just come visit you!
ImLOVINit21 (2:27:55 AM): Yeah, it's just weird
ImLOVINit21 (2:28:14 AM): Like, my friends and I have been talking, and it's just really hard to explain
ImLOVINit21 (2:28:31 AM): I just really don't want to come home because this is my life
ImLOVINit21 (2:28:44 AM): and it scares the shit out of me to think that I am leaving my life
kath889 (2:29:41 AM): but i mean you have to think this was your life before
ImLOVINit21 (2:29:56 AM): See, that's the problem
ImLOVINit21 (2:30:10 AM): I realized that I came out here thinking I would never make this my life
ImLOVINit21 (2:30:56 AM): That I was leaving my life behind for a little bit to go experience something new, but, in the end, I'd be able to come home and I'd be able to live things the same way I had been living them
ImLOVINit21 (2:31:00 AM): but I can't
ImLOVINit21 (2:31:20 AM): I have made this life here, and as much as I know I have to leave it, I just can't
ImLOVINit21 (2:31:26 AM): and it's nothing personal at all
ImLOVINit21 (2:31:48 AM): Like, I can't wait to see everyone and hang out and tell you all my stories
ImLOVINit21 (2:32:23 AM): but this is who I am now. I have changed SO much, and I honestly cannot go back to who I was before. It just isn't possible
ImLOVINit21 (2:32:47 AM): And it sucks because I feel like people at home will be mad at me because they think I came over here and became so pretentious
ImLOVINit21 (2:32:55 AM): But I really just changed, that's all
ImLOVINit21 (2:32:59 AM): I just changed for the better
kath889 (2:33:18 AM): i mean a big trip like that is definitely going to make you change, and everyone here should know that
ImLOVINit21 (2:34:13 AM): Yeah, I hope so
ImLOVINit21 (2:34:28 AM): Like, it won't be as different with you all, because I NEVER see you guys
ImLOVINit21 (2:34:37 AM): Like, coming over here is about the same as going to KU
kath889 (2:34:41 AM): and a lot of your friends will be back at kansas right? so that should make it a little easier
ImLOVINit21 (2:34:47 AM): but I am really worried about going back to Kansas in the fall
kath889 (2:34:51 AM): i mean like friends you have made
ImLOVINit21 (2:34:56 AM): yeah, they will
ImLOVINit21 (2:35:11 AM): I don't know, it's all just so strange and hard to get a grasp on
kath889 (2:35:50 AM): i bet
ImLOVINit21 (2:36:03 AM): yeah


Kath has always been there for me, but, even now, I feel like I am on my own. Well, not completely on my own. I have Robbie and Kelsey to get me through this. And I am sure that probably upsets a lot of people. But honestly, everyone has to understand that this is not personal AT ALL. This is about me, and only me, as selfish as this sounds. It is me now, only me...

I came into this situation expecting a good time, expecting to meet some semi-interesting people and to learn some semi-intersting things. I never in my wildest dreams expected that I would meet my soul mates and then be torn away from them.

I am trying so hard to reconcile this entire experience: to tell myself that I've had a good run and that's all it really can be. But I simply cannot do that. I can't tell myself that I'll never help Bob pick out what to wear for the night out, that I'll never go to brunch with Robbie, and that my relationships with Bill, Sam and the lot of them have all been for show. This has literally been the life I have been living for the past 5 months. It hasn't been some stand-in for the life I lived at home.

THIS IS MY LIFE. I can't stress that enough. And now you're telling me to abandon it?! To leave behind the only thing I've known?

I can't do it. I cannot leave.

I'm so afraid of the next two weeks. I am absolutely terrified.